I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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