Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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