Your dad touched me again.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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