He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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