K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My breasts were aching with rage.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
