But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He felt like a one man threesome
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
