Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
