They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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