omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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