Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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