I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
