Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
