i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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