Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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