I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I would ride that face into the sunset
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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