I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
