i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
