Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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