yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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