You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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