I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
