I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
