I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
