Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
