It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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