I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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