I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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