I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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