Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
it glows. i had to have it.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
