apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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