DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
