What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
