there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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