3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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