If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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