I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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