so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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