I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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