walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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