no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
