If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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