I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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