There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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