I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
