he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
