Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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