I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
