I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
