i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
