Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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